Beginnings

A blog has been circulating in my mind for quite a long time. In fact, I have had a couple of abandoned attempts in the past. Reading the posts back to myself, I find my writing a bit self-conscious and insincere. I wasn’t ready to just be, and write like that. I think now I am. Just before leaving Brazil last December, a time of immense personal shift, I was using the age-old, therapeutic remedy of writing. I think one thing that I wrote speaks to me the most from that time of self-questioning, about motives and rationalisation, something we all do, everyday. I’d like to share that piece of writing.

I am now travelling in Colombia, and have spent the last few days in a beautiful community, going through some amazingly introspective and cathartic processes, and so although I want my blog to be about the wider world, my experiences and perceptions of it, I wanted my first post to be something personal, so that whoever reads it can feel the place that it is coming from.

I have spent 28 years not living my truth. Ashamed and guilty of who I really was, worried of judgement and misunderstanding. My rebellion has not been against the world, but introspective and hurtful. But, like every living being, I am on a journey. It is different to everyone else’s, and I accept everything that has happened to me and everything that I have done as a lesson. Therefore, I do not look back with regret, but with interest. I am taking my frustrations and anxieties, and making choices. After all, that is all a person really has.

I have whirled through my 20’s, constructing my life around the frame of another’s lens. I have punished myself that I am not happy working in an 8-6 office job, living in a 50sq meter apartment. My body and mind became prisoners of their own habit pattern of life.

“But this is not vision… It is the world’s Illusion, and no more.”
Kipling

Through walking the path, we come to learn that happiness is the ever-elusive state. We cannot and should not chase it, revere it as the ultimate point, as this will leave us running in the shadows. However, we can illuminate the amount of dissatisfaction in our lives. This is not possible until we accept our own truth.

“My happiness is the moment of deepest harmony with myself”
Ludwig Marcuse

If happiness, which we accept is temporary yet we have the ability to augment, is harmony with one’s self, then we need to listen to our hearts. For me, this meant tearing up my book of standards, sitting at a window high above an alley filled with people and scattering the pieces. They glide down, silent and white. The people are marching forward; they don’t look left, or right. Suddenly, the sky is raining paper. ‘This is not possible’, think the crowd. Even if they do not look up, the monotonous march is broken. We have to give ourselves a reason to deconstruct our limitations. Question everything. Are the social values thrust upon you your values? Do you love sitting in steaming traffic for two hours, everyday, thumping the steering wheel and grinding your teeth? Identify your frustrations and fly the other direction. Soar in your reality.
“How is this possible?”, we ask ourselves, “I cannot simply abandon my life. Look at all the people I will deceive.” But by ignoring your truth, you are abandoning your soul and deceiving your self.

‘One day, as he slept in a cave, he dreamed that he saw his own body
sleeping. He came out of the cave on the night of a new moon. The sky
was clear, and he could see millions of stars. Then something happened inside
of him that transformed his life forever. He looked at his hands, he felt his body,
and he heard his own voice say, “I am made of light; I am made of stars.”
Don Miguel Ruiz

Get out of the city, wait for the sun to sleep, and look up at the night sky. Allow your eyes, mind and body to adjust to the wonder of that spectacle. Connect to it. Realise that you are part of a whole, a beautiful whole. Break ‘peace’ with yourself to really find tranquillity. Base your new beginnings on that indigo infinity, blessed that you have the moon and stars as guidance. Find yourself at dawn, taste the mist, feel the optimism of a new day. See that flowers crash all around you like the sun will live forever. Your natural surroundings can seem like a sultry illusion, a blind mirage. The sun is simply shining with all his fortitude, encouraging you to look longer, harder. Identify your own truth.

Write down what YOU value. What is going to fulfil YOU? Inspiration? Freedom? Stimulation? Adventure? Development? Identify your real desires, and the way to attain them will become clear. Stability is not necessarily about being stationary. It is the conviction that you are living the life you want to be. So what if I don’t know what I am going to be doing this time next year. Do I know that now anyway? And if I do, is that a good thing? Live your life, don’t press record, rewind and play. Create your own frames.

That is my truth.

Looking back at this, it sometimes reads like a life-coaching lesson, but that is perhaps what I needed to give myself at the time, for a little strength and conviction that what I was doing was the ‘right thing’, something we can never really know, and often never do. I am not sure if I still believe that happiness is the ‘ever-elusive state’. Having now been blessed with the opportunity to explore my truth, I can see that we are powerful enough to create our own happiness. 

I am hoping this blog will relate the experiences of where I am now, as I travel through South America. My interactions, impressions and discussions, and how these affect me and those around me. I feel excited and eternally grateful to continue exploring the connection that I have to this incredible part of the world; how it has challenged me, forced me to re-think many ideas and convictions I had, and how it has ultimately helped me to grow, and I hope will continue to do so. 

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2 thoughts on “Beginnings

  1. Ah, and finally she shares her thoughts with more than just her closest friends and family, and from a space that is also very dear to my heart, and prompted great growth, deeper love, and optimism in the potentiality of humanity to shine. I can relate with so much to your inner journey also, and having returned from another trip abroad, in which hegemonic understandings of reality were temporarily displaced, I too am wondering what am I, who am I and what do I want. Thankfully, having been inspired by the open-minded people I spent my time with in California, I am doing so from a more patient and self-loving position. I wish you well on your journeys xxx

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    • Thank you so much, Layla. Your thoughts are very important to me. You were indeed a big support during that time, and continue to be. San Gil is certainly helping me to open my eyes and heart to many things that have always been there, I just didn’t see them. Next but one post about it!
      Happy to hear that California has re-invigorated that huge heart you have; hopefully our paths will cross again before too long! Until then, much love and peace sister xxxx

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